the end of the beginning. or the beginning of the end.
«backith | forthith»
12-31-04
3:25 p.m.

YOU KNOW ME OR YOU THINK YOU DO. YOU JUST CAN'T SEEM TO SEE I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL THIS TIME TO BE SOMETHING I CAN'T DEFINE. SO LET'S CAUSE A SCENE.
(The Format..."The First Single (Cause A Scene)"

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I guess it's time I wrote something in here. I always hate when people do their year in review things for other people; if it's happening for me, it's going to be in here where it's for myself. I'm not writing this for anyone else.

I don't even know what to say about this year, really. I could go through it month by month, but I think that ithe mistakes I've made and the lessons that I've learned on the whole that have really made enough of an impact on me are in the grand scheme of things. No single event has really molded who I am - but I can confidently say that this year had a lot to do with who I am now. I honestly don't think I've ever been happier, and I think there's something to be said for that.

I think it's the people that have come in and out of my life in the last twelve months that have brought me to my place now. The boys, of course - and my most significant relationship which brought me through the year. I never realized the power of love or the magnitude of emotions. I think I got scared by the fact that an entire psyche could be molded on a whim of feelings, but after I got over being so afraid of it, I found the beauty of it. There's nothing quite like being so incredibly taken aback by someone or something and being wrapped up in their character and their words. I'm glad that it happened to me, that all of these both emotional and sexual things happened to me, becuase they've helped me realize what's right for me. I started in a bad place, a place of promiscuity where my body and my mind were in two totally different places, and my needs and desires were not aligned with my values. Now I sit with a gap so small between my wants and my morals, and am proud that I've come to not only realize what works for me and what it is that is truly in my heart, but that I've adopted it into my life. I've learned that it's one thing to say something, and it's another to do something.

I think getting past idealism was most difficult for me this year. Mike was shaped on idealism, and many of my actions. I think that I'm so busy shaping my ideal life and situation that I like reality slip away from me, and often get a rude slap in the face when I have to be brought back to center. It's the life of a dreamer, though, and I know I'll never be able to escape that part of me, the dreamer - I'll never want to. I think I'll again struggle between reality and idealistic desire this year becuase I am such an emotionally dictated person. It's just up to me to discover where to draw the line. I don't think I can generalize something like that, though, because every situation is different. I think I'm closer now than I've ever been, and that's a good start, but I know I have a ways to go. The first part is recognizing that, and I have done that. I just need the courage to continue with it.

I don't want skeletons in my closet this year. One of my heaviest burdens was guilt, and that's not for me anymore. I'm happy that it's not. I've realized the value of honesty, and that's what I need from myself and the people in my life. I'm happy to know that it's important to me.

In terms of people, friendship wise, I've learned a lot, too. As sad as it is, I've found that you can't expect things out of people that they're not going to give you. If someone is inherently selfish, you can't expect them to change. You also can't make people change for you, that's so unnatural. I made the huge mistake this year of asking someone to change for me when he wasn't ready to, and I hurt him trying to do that. He taught me otherwise, and that's good. But I'll never try to change a friend, I just need to learn to evaluate friendships better and before I go into them or give them my all, need to understand the nature of the person and what they're going to give to me juxtaposed with what I'm going to give to them. It's weird - now that I've found people who will love me and be there for me as unconditionally as I will for them, I feel short-changed in some of my relationships, but it's just a lesson now. At least I've learned.

So what comes next, eh? College. Tufts University - I can't believe it. Half of me wants to be fresh and alone and just build from there when I get there. It's a little scary and daunting to think of it all, but I'm ready. And the people I want to stay with me I want to selfishly bring them. I know I can't. We'll see.

For now, I think I'm just happy to know so much about myself...and even happier to know I'm so willing to learn the rest.

- - - - -

the end of the beginning. or the beginning of the end. - 12-31-04

this is a snapshot. - 10-2-04

hate is a strong phrase. - 9-02-04

a short endeavor into an absent mind. - 8-22-04

building this beauty. - 3-7-04

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design by: confruzzled
all photos by meredith - no steal!